Torpedoes away, motherfucker!

Does anyone in the world not love John Barrowman? I think he is amazing, like this huge ball of cheese with a smile and an American accent. I can’t remember a specific moment when I knew who John Barrowman was, he just sort of seeped into my consciousness and took up a permanent residency in my big, fat cheesy heart. I don’t even know what I like about him but whatever it is, I bloody like it!
Lets examine his face:

Beneath the waxy leading man looks and Tom Cruise hair style is the big lovable idiot, who loves a good dirty joke and will, probably, have sex with anything. I find that to be quite endearing, although he does look like he might stab you in the bumhole with a sharp knife. This is what has come to be known as Barrowmanning between The Hannah and I. We haven’t tried it though, honest.

After seeing Shark Attack 3: Megalodon I am even more enamoured with this big plastic smile of a man. Here is a trailer for it so you can get an idea of how amazing it is:

*Shark Attack 3 Spoilers below*
The film centres around Ben, played by Barrowman, who is some sort of resort security officer in Mexico. While diving for the most pointless lobsters ever, Captain Jack Harkness finds a tooth that may or may not belong to a prehistoric shark. Apparently some people are up to nefarious schemings involving fibre optic tubes and the shark eats some people which is relatively boring until a bigger shark comes along and starts to devour people left, right and centre. Obviously the acting is bobbins and everything about it is wrong as hell but that is why we watch these movies, isn’t it. That, and John Barrowman. Some of my favourite bits included:

The fisherman reeling in a huge marlin on a tiny rod. Note how it is sunny where the fisherman is and cloudy as hell where the marlin is.

The part where Barrowman is rescuing the fair maiden from the evil killer shark, misses a step and falls in while emitting a little squeal!

Barrowman playing with a dead shark and joking about his friend who has just had his leg hacked off by a shark

THAT infamous line!

When the shark attacks the small boat, sliding itself onto the plinth at the back and then sliding off when it got bored.

Due east? Due east! Oh Jesus, it’s heading right for the resort! FULL THROTTLE NOW!

All the stuff with the girl on the parachute (but especially Barrowman’s “SHHEEEEEEEEATT”

The whole end sequence with the bad matting and amazing CGI.

“Megalo-who?”


The film is clearly this bad on purpose, and as such raises some interesting points about DTV sequels as well as dissecting a clear question of old vs new, history vs the present. I’m not sure if that is the intention, but through the excessive use of stock footage, the character journey that Barrowman goes on, and the main antagonist, this theory is founded on some sort of reality. The movie is a good silly romp and definitely needs to be seen to be believed!
I really wish Barrowman had persued a career in schlocky horror and genre direct-to-DVD fare, instead of all that BBC dance nonsense. Ah well, at least he squirted one great movie out before he went soft.

The whole thing has to be seen to be believed, I picked up my dvd for about £1 from the sort of second hand shop that sells this shite, and I urge you to do the same!

In other news, I have done almost nothing. I made burgers last night and nobody has died yet so that is a good sign! Tonight, band practice and maybe a hummus and falafel wrap, or maybe a pizza.

Advertisements

About dangerousjamie

I am genre movie watchin', punk rockin', blog updatin' rebel with a heart of gold.
This entry was posted in Film and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Torpedoes away, motherfucker!

  1. hannahpianna says:

    Things I like about this post:
    Barrowman’s obvious use of blusher in the photo.
    The use of the word ‘bobbins’
    The reference to Barrowmanning although I believe a blunt buttery knife you be more to his liking than a big sharp one
    The general reminders of this wonderous film, that are making me cry a little bit again!

    Now…”Whatdoya say I take you home and….” I’m sorry I just can’t say it.

    ha!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s